The Places That Scare Me

 In my last "blog" I wrote about visions and plans. With life, the unexpected is to be expected, so we can expect that having a plan and visions will not always go according to "plan". We can be OK with that. We expect things to be permanent and stable. Not necessarily so! We accept the myth that, if only we could keep things as we want them to be by "doing everything right", that we will find a safe, secure, and comfortable place to spend the rest of our lives. For the most part,it is the uncertainty that scares us.

 In her book, The Places That Scare You, Pema Chondron writes that what we struggle against all the time is just ordinary life. She writes, "Life does continually go up and down. People and situations are unpredictable and so is everything else." Chondron tells us that is is the nature of life that we get both what we want and what we don't want. She says that when we can face our fears and are able to examine "what exactly are we feeling when we can't handle something? Coming to grips with what we are running away from is the key to growth." When you can say I'm OK on good days and on bad days, you will know that you are making progress. I know that by incorporating this into my life, I am making progress.

 Last year for the Del Ray Sun I wrote a column about my mother's Alzheimer's disease and how difficult it was to be with her when she does not know who I am. Sitting with her I felt that my childhood memories were gone and I felt scared, sad and a little resentful. This past weekend I went to visit again in Oregon and I had a wonderful time with my mother. I told myself that I was OK that I would just be present with her. When I walked in to my mother's room, her face lit up and she gave me a big smile. She said hello and I said hello back. Dad had brought the crayons and a coloring book. We colored and ate Hersey's Kisses together and laughed. After about 30 minutes my mom took my hand, leaned forward and whispered, "I like you", and gave me a big smile. That was a wonderful moment and one of the best gifts I have ever received. Mom may not have know who I was but we connect and she liked me.

 I am content.